How to Make a Flat Lay: a Parody

Warning: Expletives. Included for accuracy.

14 Steps to a Stunning Flat Lay!

  1. Chip the dried hummus off your desk.
  2. Get out the marbled contact paper and unroll it over your desk, taping it down on the edges.
  3. Borrow your friend's new MacBook, dust it off, and put it on your desk, placing your 6-year old PC to the side.
  4. Print a picture of a latte with a fancy pattern in the foam, cut the part of the photo with the foam off the top, insert it into your coffee mug and put it on your desk.
  5. Celebrate! You are half way there!
  6. Now its time to clear the dirty underwear off your desk. You might put it in the Dirty Clothes Corner of your office. Promise yourself that one day soon you will have enough self respect to buy all new underwear and stop wearing the ones with the holes around the waistband. Wonder why your partner stays with you.
  7. Choose your color scheme. You can use anything you want, this is where you really get to express yourself. In other words, use mint and gold and white, or pink and black and white, or just white on white, with some white, or maybe one small color.
  8. Search your home for one piece of jewelry that looks like its worth something. Casually place it in your flat lay desktop.
  9. Now line up one small succulent plant, your phone, your laptop, your jewelry, your black and white striped pencil, and something quirky (post it notes in a fun color?) in neat rows, with one thing slightly askew.
  10. Get the goddamned cat off your flat lay. Brush the cat litter that he dragged on there off your fucking flat lay. 
  11. Light the shit out of your flat lay. Search around for every lamp in the house. Remove the cat hairs from the desktop that you only saw when the lights got bright.
  12. Hold your phone over the flat lay and photograph.
  13. Bring into Canva. Find some gold brush lettering and put an inspiring word, like "INSPIRE," on your flat lay.
  14. Go back to building your authentic business in the 20 minutes you have left before your kids get home. Get discouraged. Surf on Facebook.